Abah's passing

Today would have been my father or Abah's 91st birthday. Alas, Abah passed away in his sleep in the afternoon at my house, two weeks ago.

It had been a long, arduous caregiving journey (more than a decade). It was very challenging given my father's strong, authoritative character. I had a lot of resentment towards him. But, I couldn't bear to leave him in a nursing home or with a helper. There are many stories of elder abuse and I simply couldn't let him suffer in his twilight years. I decided to take up the tremendous responsibility that Allah had given me, alhamdulillah.

Abah suffered from diabetes, high blood pressure, prostate cancer, Parkinson's disease (mild) and dementia. I witnessed his health declined with time. From being able to walk to using the walking stick and walking frame, and then wheelchair bound. Although we had lots of arguments, I never missed any medical appointments. I controlled his diet and took over his medical management until his diabetes stabilised and he didn't have to take insulin injection. I tried to handle his dementia-riddled episodes patiently, sometimes resulting in sleepless nights. Sigh...

I bought an air pressure mattress and everything else which helped make Abah comfortable. Abah still preferred my sofa to the geriatric chair and mechanised hospital bed. He had cable TV in his room yet he preferred watching cable TV in the living room. I think I had watched (with Abah) all the documentaries on his favourite National Geographic channel. I couldn't watch any more nature documentaries that I asked him to watch Korean dramas, Indonesian epics and Star Wars instead.

My life revolved around Abah. I worked from home. I didn't travel like I used to because there was no one to take care of him. I rushed home from meetings, activities or my lecturing job, to prepare dinner for him. I had arranged for tea and lunch gatherings at my home so that Abah could meet his badminton mates and other relatives. I would watch the after 9 pm movie screenings with friends after my father had gone to bed. I also didn't actively pursue relationships and marriage as I was afraid that my spouse would not allow me to take care of Abah. Exhaustion is an understatement to describe my fatigue as well as my mental and emotional states. I put my own life on hold just for my father.

From much resentment, my heart softened in the recent years when I told myself that I was doing this for Allah's sake. Allah said that if we look after our old parents, paradise would be the reward for us. I guessed taking care of Abah was akin to me living out my dream of being a doctor (nurse in this case). Many a times, I convinced myself that I would not cry at Abah's funeral as what was more important was how I had treated him while he was alive. 

Anyway, when Abah passed on, I had to handle all the funeral arrangements as my brother Hadi was in hospital due to knee surgery. I was calm and composed. But, when I was asked to wash Abah's body (as I am his daughter) and before he was laid in the coffin, tears flowed like River Cam meandering through the arteries of my heart. I hugged Abah's lifeless body, cupped his face and told him that I had tried my best to take care of him. It might not be the best but it was my best. I asked for forgiveness and asked him to bring me to jannah (heaven) where I hope we would be reunited with my mother and other beloved family members. 

Despite believing that Abah didn't love me, I think deep inside he did care (though he never expressed his feelings). Abah never encouraged or supported my dreams. So imagine my surprise when he told me that I would achieve my medical school dreams as my mother (his wife) had made doa for me. Abah then said, "I make doa that Allah gives you the highest of rewards". Last year, Abah made doa that I will marry that good man whom I told him about. Strangely, he did not belittle me for having those two almost impossible-to-achieve dreams. Oh Abah!