Friday, February 20, 2015

Daria's Rantings - Blob

*I am posting this eighth ranting as my alter-ego the misanthropic Daria Morgendorffer

I know, I know, I haven't finished my seventh ranting... but hey, I met Blob today and I really must rant. Urukhai and Grinah have to wait.

The meeting with Blob went bleah. Oh Blob. You truly lived up to your name! I was deceived by your bubbly nature, your warm (albeit gooey) hugs and conviction to your political party (Long Live the Wombats!). So we hung out, and we even helped out at the homeless pit. I thought, despite your err... big size, you seemed quite nice. I wonder, why did you change jobs as often as your Jelly-O treatment? Your loyalty to the Wombats also changes with the Elections. Hmm...

Anyway, we heard that Blob was in trouble. Blob was conned by a Monster from the Crypt. You know that hairy creature from the scary tombs buried deep in the desert sand. Gasp! Even though Blob was never a close friend, well, we should always help our monster-in-need, nicht wahr? And that we did. We sought the help of the respected and wise Gandalf who, as usual, dispensed sound advice on how to help Blob. 

Blob grew angry and went into denial mode. Blob's already bulging eyes pierced out menacingly. Blob spurted sludge, hurling dirt and grit. "I now know who my real friends are!" shouted Blob in an irritating raspy slur. Yes, Blob, Real Friends tell you the truth even though it hurts as they care about you. Fake Friends, on the other hand, would just let you carry on with your wrongdoings and delusions. But Blob went on blabbing abuses, attacking us with slimy, low blows that would make Muhammad Ali shake his head in embarrassment. How, you ask? Blob shouted to the three of us, "You! I didn't ask you why you never had kids even after trying the IVF. You! I never bothered asking you why you are still jobless. And You, the highly educated one but with a low mentality, I didn't ask you why you are still single. No wander all the men don't want to marry you!" blah blah bleah.

Blob, do know that being childless, being jobless (not because one didn't try but jobs are hard to come by nowadays, and oh yes, the jobless one actually lent you, the one with the job, some money when you needed it. Hah!) and being single are NOT criminals acts? But being in a sham of a marriage that are both illegal and forbidden by your religion are criminal. And don't threaten us if our actions will bring your monster-from-the-crypt-con-artist 'husband' and the priest who 'legitimised' the unholy union in trouble. Same logic applies - one must report a heroin dealer to the authorities, nicht wahr? Ahh, the arrogance and ignorance. How much lower could a Blob sink into?

No point helping one who doesn't want to help itself. Better bail out before Blob engulf me in slime, glob, mucus, and God knows whatever bacteria it carries. Yucks.

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