The Biggest Test, part ii

I remember my last day at Cambridge. I felt a tremendous amount of sadness to leave my beloved Cambridge and to return home to Singapore. On my way back from Friday prayers, I met Prof T. J. Winters or Shaykh Abdal Hakim Murad who had just delivered the sermon. I told him that I was leaving the next day and he asked me to go to his office at the Faculty of Divinity. I burst into tears, telling him how much I was going to miss Cambridge. He looked at me and said calmly, "Why are you crying? If I were you, I would be so excited because what God has planned for me is obviously greater than Cambridge."

Upon reflection, had I stayed on at Cambridge for the PhD, I would not have published all those books. And most importantly, I wouldn't be able to care for my ailing father, A. I know it seemed cliche. But perhaps God is giving me the opportunity to honour my parent (my mother had passed away more than a decade ago). 

“Worship Allah and join none with Him in worship, and do good to parents” (Quran, 4:36). 

Abu Darda' heard the Prophet ﷺ say that: "The father is the middle door of Paradise (i.e. the best way to Paradise), so it is up to you whether you take advantage of it or not."

Perhaps, this is the only reason that I am able to keep my sanity. Taking care of the parents whom you love is easy. But to take care of one whom you detest is most challenging. I kept reminding myself that I am doing this for God. But it is so hard, so, so hard...

My father, A, once proclaimed proudly to my uncle that he has the hardest heart. I thought that with the passing of my mother, A, would feel remorse and regret his horrendous treatment of us. But was I wrong. A's ego amplified with his age. It makes caregiving a chore. A is diabetic, has high blood pressure and has prostate and urology problems. He is also wheelchair bound. But instead of cooperating with me, he purposely made things difficult. He refuses to wear diapers, even during trips to the hospital and clinic. I have to empty and wash urinals many times in a day. I have to wash all the urine-stained clothes and mop the floor daily. I am not complaining about all these menial tasks. Some friends have asked why I don't get a helper or carer. It's difficult to get good domestic help nowadays, especially with COVID-19 restrictions. Given A's narcissistic and overbearing persona, I'm afraid that the helper might run away or harm him instead (there have been many stories of helpers abusing or killing people under their charge). 

It is not the routine chores that I have to do, it's more of A's self-entitlement and arrogance that stress me out. Just like his younger self, A would purposely makes things difficult. He refuses to eat, pretending to pluck imaginary beard hairs, for an hour. He refuses to exercise on the pedal-cycle; I have to sit in front of him and insist that he does the 20-minute daily exercise. He refuses to go to bed even though it is late. All these are done deliberately to make me wait hand-and-foot on him. A doesn't care that I sacrificed my dreams to stay home and take care of him. He doesn't care that I have to work from home so that I can pay for his medical expenses. He doesn't care if I have to run errands or go for meetings. A is egoistic, selfish and only cares about himself. His huge ego prevents him from saying 'thank you'. The rare times when he said 'thank you' was done in a mocking tone. All that comes out from A's mouth are criticisms and abuses. And yes, he even looked down on my small two-bedroom flat where we are currently staying in. Despite knowing that I purchased it with my own money, he jeered at me and said that it was nothing to be proud of. 

My mother had told me to exercise patience. But my patience is running low as the years pass by. A's behaviour is not one who is suffering from dementia. He is still quick to hurl abuses at me. When I said, that he should appreciate the fact that I chose not to abandon him in his old days, he told me to just leave as he could take care of himself. Yes, this from one who needs me to bath him and take care of his medication and daily chores. I once reminded A of how little time he has on this earth before meeting God. A hissed at me and said, "I pray that you die first." I replied that if I were to die first, there would be no one to take care of him. A said, God would. A behaves like a psychopath. He has no empathy.

I was under so much stress (at the same time I was trying to balance my writing projects) that I had to see a psychiatrist. When I thought that I got better, I was diagnosed with Degenerative Disc Disease and my leg nerve got affected. When I told A about my health issues, A ignored me. My health doesn't matter to him. His health only matters. When my mother passed away, A appeared sad for a while but he bounced back to his self-centred self in no time. He didn't even bothered to visit her grave. 

Of late, I have been crying and feeling depressed at my state of affairs. When I look at friends who have loving and kind fathers, I feel a tinge of sadness and jealousy. I know that God will not give me this biggest test unless He knows that I am able to handle it. I have done my best for many years but the situation doesn't seem to get better. Sometimes I feel that my heart could give way like my mother's. Maybe then, A would finally realise what he has done.

Ya Allah, the most Merciful, most Compassionate and most Just. I am a mere human with weaknesses and feelings. I have done my utmost best taking care of my father, as it is required of me. Please ease my burden and cure my broken heart. Please help me.