The Biggest Test
. . . . . .
The biggest test for me is A, my father. He is 88 year-old. Despite him living his golden years, A's rancid behaviour and arrogance have not mellowed. He is the reason for my tears, misery, anger, anxiety and my psychological state of mind. If you were to meet A, you would think that he is the best father ever. Narcissists are like that. They appear charming, perfect husbands and fathers but in reality, it is hellish to live with them.
My parents got married in 1968 (I was born years later). My mother, the only girl in the family was protected and sheltered. Women from prominent family did not date in those days. A asked for my mother's hand in marriage. My beautiful mother was smart, kind and soft-spoken. She had received many marriage proposals. I believed as A's father and uncle were respected religious scholars, my grandfather accepted A's proposal. My mother said, it was fated. I think A married my mother for her stature and inheritance.
When I was growing up, I did not mind A's behaviour so much. I guess my mother shielded my brother and I. She would make excuses for A's irresponsible behaviour. I was in my teens when I began to realise how nasty A was. He was bengis or cruel towards us. He would praise other people's kids and insulted us. Everything we did was wrong. He was authoritarian, and emotionally and mentally abusive towards us. He would also emotionally blackmail us, using religious laws that we must obey our parents etc. To him, it was "my way or the highway." Many a times, he insisted on fixing things his own way. He once instructed the aircon man to push the aircon cover right to the edge of the ceiling. When we told him that it would be difficult to open the cover should we needed to, he shouted and insisted it to be done his way. And when the aircon was spoilt, we couldn't even fix it because we couldn't open the cover. That was A. Arrogant, stupid and would not take responsibility for anything.
I recalled telling him that people would rebel against an unjust ruler like how the Indonesians ousted President Suharto. A is dictatorial too. To him, as the father, he could do no wrong. Children were to be seen and not heard. Although A was not physically abusive, the emotional scars we had been afflicted (unseen and unknown by others) never healed.
A never bothered about our education. But he supported his five nieces and nephews' education. Even though my aunt was divorced from her husband, my five cousins still had their father (who was actually kind and responsible). But Narcissists like to be praised. A loved how other people praised him for taking care of his nephews and nieces. A behaved like the Malay proverb, 'Kera di hutan disusukan, anak di rumah kelaparan', the monkey in the jungle is fed while the kids at home die of hunger. My mother even made me attend secondary school near the home (my grades were good enough to attend the best secondary school which was located further). I found out much later that going to a school further away would incur additional daily expenses, which A would not have provided. I remember how badly I wanted a laboratory set with a microscope (my childhood dream was to be a doctor). But A would not buy it for me. His money was for his own needs.
A even told me that I should find another father as he would not pay for my education. He even insulted me by saying, "You will never get to the university." "You've big dreams but too bad, you won't achieve any of them." etc. I have always been independent and I didn't mind working hard (part-time jobs, scholarships) to pay for my education. But A never bothered about our well-being at all. A never called me when I was studying overseas. I was homeless in Paris, was burgled in UK, was sick while trekking in the Everest region. He never shown a single care or concern. My brother and I were A's biological children, yet we were treated like pariahs, no one important to him. But A would take all the credit for our achievements. Like the filial Asian children, we just endured and endured and endured. We resented A so much but what can we do? No one would believe us.
My mother passed away in 2008 from a heart attack. I believed it was years of enduring all the emotional abuse from A (she was even hospitalised for stress and heart tremors) that her fragile heart finally collapsed. A had been bullying my mother. He would refuse to bring the house keys whenever he went out for work. He expected my mother to be at home and open the door for him. Once, my mother was late in opening the door and I rushed to open it, A screamed at both of us. When I told A to bring his own keys, he yelled at me, saying I was insolent. When my mother asked A to eat dinner, A would say that he was not hungry. And when my mother was about to go to sleep, he would tell her to prepare dinner. Such was the abuse. Divorce was never the solution, especially to traditional women like my mother. It would be shameful for her family's reputation. Anyway, I had always defended my mother. But A would verbally abused me saying that I was so Westernised that I did not pray, or read the Quran, and that I was a bad Muslim. Hais...
I realised why I was so happy when I lived overseas. It was simply because I was away from a toxic father. There had been several instances that I wanted to remain overseas. Every time when I had to make a decision, I decided to move back to Singapore, solely because of my mother. How could I protect her from A if I wasn't around?
Three days before my mother passed away, we had a long conversation.
"Cik Idah, I feel sad for you. Your father never cared about you. He's not even worried if you are not married..."
"Don't worry Mak, I'm an independent woman. I can take care of myself."
"Are you afraid that you will get a husband like your father? Is that why you don't think of marriage? Untung sabut timbul, untung batu tenggelam. We can't escape the destiny that God has set for us."
... [to be continued] ...
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